Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
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DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.