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My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
my favorite genre of twitter
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
back to work