A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
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Just a bush.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this