*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
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Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.