I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
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The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake