Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
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About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.