wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
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I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?