MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
There is no try. There is only give up.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?