One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
You Might Also Like
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.