Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Hell yeah 👍
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable