Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
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IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.