A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
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if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap