Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
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Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Favourite diary entry ever