Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Optional boss fight.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
My circle of trust is a meatball