Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
You Might Also Like
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
me when the borders lift
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.