Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
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[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Worst bar ever.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
He-man has a Masters degree
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-