My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
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i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me