no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
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Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
when mom throws a party…
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer