*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
we’re gonna need another temp
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.