Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.