INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I have so many questions.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
A man of commitment.