MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils