‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
You Might Also Like
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.