My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
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If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.