kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
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I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I created you as mosquito food.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.