I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
A wise man once said nothing.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834