My hips? Compulsive liars.
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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Fights fire with marshmallows
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.