turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
A woman drives into a bar.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!