This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.