Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
You Might Also Like
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.