A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Dead sexy!!
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide