Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.