G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
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if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”