Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
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What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.