Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.