I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
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[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My favorite farside!!
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.