putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
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How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers