Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Friends that check up on you >
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks