If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls