I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
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*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket