5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why