BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
You Might Also Like
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”