Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
You Might Also Like
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
guilty