A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Nice try, poison.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol