Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Banana is the quietest snack
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap