How do I rate our solar system?
One star
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*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Kids, do not try this at home!
A classic…
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.