I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
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I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?