[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.