Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks