where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Attacked by a mop.